Refreshing

Your Name is like honey on my lips,
Your Spirit like water to my soul...

The only other member of the “women’s caucus” in my office, Kathleen, has a nice little plant on her desk. I don’t know what its called, but it has dark green leaves and something of a long, lily-like, glossy flower. However, Kathleen isn’t around her desk very much in the course of her duties, and as a result, the plant is often unattended.

I was the first into the office this morning after the long weekend. As I went around turning lights on, I noticed that Kathleen’s plant was very droopy. The one flower was lying flat, as if it had passed out from exhaustion. I could identify.

Not that I’m tired, per se. I actually had a very relaxing weekend, albeit full. But I hadn’t been that at ease in probably a year. And I got to do so much fun stuff: Star Wars with Cassidy, the park with Allis, the LOTR concert with Sarah, Frisbee and DC fun with Ash, her roomie Kelly, and Matt, followed by a Memorial Day barbeque. It was like we were real people with real lives or something. Actually I was sitting on the floor as Sarah was getting the table ready and Matt was hovering over the barbeque and Allis and Chris were debating free trade, and I was thinking, this is normal. I am a real human being after all. Still getting used to the freedom from bondage of school or campaign. Our LD had to talk me out of coming in this weekend. I had wanted to try to get ahead in my letters… so much for that.

I really appreciated all the great stuff God has blessed me with… especially this weekend. We had gorgeous weather and much fun to experience. And yet I’ve never felt so out of place since I was in my early teens. Like I don’t belong where I am, as if I am watching myself live my own life… I don’t know how to explain it. Maybe this is just a part of growing up, but it feels so haphazard and awkward. And yet I have the steady job and the wonderful place to give and the best friends anyone could ever ask for… which makes the odd feelings even worse because I know I shouldn’t feel that way. To try to simplify, you just feel more stupid about how you feel when you know you shouldn’t. You feel ungrateful. But is it okay to just be?

But it’s amazing how refreshing God’s word is, how it can pick us up. I watered Kathleen’s plant in the morning, and by midday, it had completely revived. Its verdant leaves were reaching for the sky once more, and the flower was strong again. Reading the Word does the same for my soul, when I drench myself with the Truth, I am revived, sometimes in spite of myself. And yet there’s still a part of me that’s hanging back, still limp on the ground… why? What is it that’s holding me back… or is it just me and my own selfishness, my expectation of what life should be and being discontent when I should just be counting my blessing?

Consider the lilies, and how they respond to God’s blessing and refreshment. His Spirit is like water to my soul. I just need to work on being better soil.