Beauty for Ashes

Yeah, it’s been a couple days. It’s been a long couple days.

Things were very dark on Monday night. Very black, and so thick I could almost touch it, cut it with a knife. I certainly wanted to.

I was thinking about the injustice of life, about why it seems good things don’t happen much anymore. It was one of the nights I very well could have put on the Return of the King soundtrack and balled my way through it. Well, I did, anyway, just without the music. I can’t really even put my finger on why except that a friend was hurting deeply, and there’s not a thing I could do about it. And the fact that an ideal of mine was completely shattered, and I was starting to wonder if it was worth ever trusting anyone at all.

I was so exhausted from the emotional drain of Monday that I carried it with me all of the next day. But I woke up with an odd sense of peace and inquired God as to why. The sense I got back was an almost sarcastic, yet gentle tone, “Don’t you understand? People are praying for you.” And that was a tremendous comfort. Yesterday was a day I could have put The Village soundtrack on and just listened to the sweeping emotion and dynamics of the music as a symphony of a versatile soul and done nothing else all night.

Today felt stronger, but I still feel distant from my own feelings. Have you ever wanted something for someone else so badly that it hurt? In a lot of ways it’s worse than wanting something for yourself. At least if it was inflicted on you, you would know the extent of it and how to best deal with it. But when it deals with someone else, you can’t sound the depths of the hurt, and what’s worse, you can’t fix it. It’s hopelessness, helplessness, and complete vulnerability to trust God with another life.

And it’s hard.

But you know what? It is beautiful right now. I don’t get to spend much time outside, but I sure relish my morning rides on the bus. I’ve watched several places go from barren puzzles of dirt and stick-trees to lush parks with flowing rivers, blooming dogwoods, and dew on the verdant leaves. And it’s still cool enough to enjoy being outside. It’s the best of Virginia foliage without the sometimes unbearable sultry weather. Perhaps we’ll be blessed with a cooler than usual summer. That would be nice.

I’m thankful for those vantages every morning, the opportunity to thank God for His creation. I am glad for the pink and white trees that staccato D.C. And I’m thankful for friends who hold me even in my darkest night, who love me when I don’t deserve it, and encourage me to do the same. You had faith when I had none/ you prayed God would give me a brand new song/ when I didn't feel like I had the strength to sing... and you've been more than a friend to me/ fight off my enemies/ you have spoken Truth over my lies/ and you'll never know what it means to me/ just to know you've been on your knees for me/ how you have blessed my life/ more than you'll ever know...

But most of all, I'm awed by the God who makes it possible and lavishes grace on me… even when I mistake it for assault.

Oh, to have eyes to see this world, and the world unseen, for what they truly are.