I’ll start with something lighthearted: we had no idea how to cut our cake. File this under didn’t-think-to-practice-for-this: when Kent and I approached our cake, we looked at each other with the blank stare that says, “what do we do?” We ended up cutting the top layer of the cake. You know, the part you’re supposed to save for your first anniversary. Cutting through fondant is hard enough, but trying to cut it at that angle was even more awkward. Should have asked the caterer for a tutorial - or at least watched a how-to on YouTube.
In retrospect, I wish I’d had someone videotaping the reception. If I had it to do over again, I would have someone walking around getting video of the guests talking and dancing – nothing formal. I wish I could hear the toasts again. I also know that both Kent and I gave little speeches; I have very little recollection of what I said! While I suppose it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things, I wish I had a live-action record of the festivities. (After all, it was the best wedding of all time.)
When it came to communicating with Kent about wedding details, I generally assumed that if it wasn’t important to me, it wouldn’t be important to him. Lesson for wedding planning and, more importantly, for marriage: that ain’t necessarily so. Assumption is the first step toward misunderstanding. Traditions I was happy to skip mattered to Kent. Had I been more communicative, I wouldn’t have short-changed those items of my time and energy.
Forget what you hear about guys not caring about wedding stuff. This is their wedding day, too. While some facets of the planning bore them to tears, it’s worth talking through what is and isn’t important to them – so you don’t waste time on things unimportant to both of you and don’t find out a week before the wedding that you’ve neglected something important to your groom.
My biggest wedding planning mistake stemmed from the hubris of thinking I didn’t need a wedding planner/coordinator. I thought we were keeping things fairly simple. I tried to keep things simple. But weddings involving more than the couple, an officiant, and a witness will be more complicated than you expect – period.
No woman deserves to have the burdens placed on her that my Mom endured during wedding planning. I did not set out for her to become my wedding planner. It was never my intention, but my lack of intentionality resulted in her being the chief coordinator, vendor contact, favor-assembler, and general fire-putter-outer. In short, I took her for granted. As a result, I am ashamed to confess that I prevented my own mother from enjoying my engagement period as well as the wedding of her only child. In the process, I for a time lost my Mom as confidant, counselor, and friend. When I called to simply be excited and chat or ask a question about marriage, she would have a list of practical wedding questions for me to answer. It was terrible for both of us, but it was my fault for putting her in that position. She ardently desired to make everything perfect for me, but that never should have been her job.
Brides, don’t give into the temptation of thinking you don’t need a coordinator. If you don’t designate the role, someone will end up filling it – and it will likely be someone who you’d rather have enjoying your day. Have a professional or an experience friend do it. Your bridesmaids, your sisters, and especially your mom will be grateful.
I’m blessed because my Mom is a very giving and forgiving person. I know she doesn’t hold it against me. But I hope that my experience might prevent others from making the same mistake I did!
(All photos © 2011 Kelly Sauer)
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