One of the more sanity-inducing things I did early in wedding planning – largely because of our short engagement period – was making a list of the things that mattered and tried to not sweat the details on everything else. Other than the obvious of marrying my best friend and having the people who mattered most to us in attendance, three major things that really mattered to me about the wedding event: my dress, the venue, and the food. I wanted a dress I absolutely adored. Both Kent and I wanted a venue that was distinctively Southern California. Finally, we wanted to serve a memorable meal. And once we selected the venue, we realized we had the opportunity to share our favorite cuisine – Mexican – with those who came to celebrate with us.
Priorities will of course differ from couple to couple, but I knew that if I started out with a list of exactly what I wanted across the board, I was going to be disappointed. I worked with talented vendors with whom I shared my overall vision of the event and then trusted their judgment. That set a tone of curious excitement the day of, and I was blown away by what my hair and makeup stylist managed to pull off from a picture of Catherine Zeta-Jones from The Mask of Zorro and the bouquets my florist created off my list of colors and flowers I liked. I actually think I scared my florist by running down the aisle at the mission and throwing my arms around her. I was still in jeans and she had no idea who I was. (One of the hazards of planning a wedding from more than two thousand miles away!) Keeping an open mind also allowed more details to fall into place instead of the frustrating exercise of trying to make everything fit a certain mold.
One of the most difficult and important things I managed to get right was keeping the wedding weekend schedule light. When friends and family are travelling from far and near to celebrate, it’s terribly tempting to plan all sorts of fun activities – but I knew I needed a slower pace to be able to soak in the true meaning of what was going on, actually get the rest I needed, and focus on Kent.
My parents graciously wanted to host a “y’all come” at their home for out-of-town guests. I insisted the shindig be held two nights before the wedding. While this meant a few late arrivals couldn’t attend, I think most of the people there really wanted there made time to come. And when the party went a little longer than expected, it didn’t mean the stress of knowing we were up later than we should’ve been the night before the wedding.
The night before our wedding was one of the most meaningful moments of the weekend. We had a quiet, relaxed dinner (taco salad!) at my parents’ house with Kent and his mom and stepdad. We laughed and talked and had a powerful prayer time together, which is probably the only reason I got any sleep the night before we got married.
I also made time for just my mom and me (we got our nails done!), a session with our photographer (very important – details on this immediately follow), and avoided scheduling things down to the minute. As a result, I felt more relaxed than I ever imagined I would be for the days leading up to the big event.
I’m also grateful that we gave our photographer time to get to know us before our wedding day – and I say that even though I’ve known the incredibly talented Kelly Sauer for a decade now and she’s taken my picture at least a hundred times. (Now that number is like eight thousand.) Whether you hate being in front of the lens for any purpose or love hamming it up for the camera, you need time with your photographer so you have the opportunity to relax under its scrutiny. Good photographers don’t want you to pose; they want you and yours to be as natural as possible. It makes their product better and their clients happier. Kent doesn’t like cameras, and I’m in denial about my tendency to pose, so I knew we needed this time with Kelly.
There’s reason it’s hard to act naturally. The equipment employed by the pros isn’t your mother’s point-and-shoot. The lenses are long, the flashes are huge – they are spectacular machines that can be quite intimidating. Making the time for an informal shoot somewhat near your wedding not only helps photographer and subject get to know one another, but it will give you and your sweetheart some fun almost-alone time away from the pressures of wedding planning.
And if you’re as lucky as we were, you’ll get some great pictures out of the deal, too.
Though it took being a little brave, both Kent and I managed to articulate some of the more unusual things we wanted in a wedding ceremony – and the wonderful pastor who married us didn’t just tolerate the changes, he incorporated them into the service. I never thought I’d sing during my own wedding ceremony, but Kent wanted to bring music reflecting our story into the ceremony, and his strength gave me the courage to do it. And I was sure Kent thought my foot-washing idea would be impractical, but he was on board the moment I mentioned it.
One quick and very practical piece of advice we tried to take was keeping up on thank you notes. Before I swore off bridal sites about three weeks into engagement, I ran across advice to write thank you notes as you received the gifts – many of which arrived well before the wedding. We did our thank yous on a rolling basis, which meant no tremendous backlog. Each note was given more personal attention and detail, and it felt good to be able to stay on top of that piece of etiquette.
Finally, and most importantly, Kent and I made time to prepare for our marriage – not just the wedding. Before we became engaged, we went through 101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged - which covered much ground we'd already discussed, but brought up other areas about the past and future we had not yet covered. Once we were engaged, we participated in premarital counseling with an older couple that was a time commitment well worth it. We also had several great conversations over the phone with the pastor who married us. He took the time to understand us as a couple and give us very sound advice for our life together (and sent us an amazing book I highly recommend to all marrieds or to-be marrieds or thinking-of-to-be-marrieds: To Understand Each Other by Paul Tournier). Overall, we did a decent job of cordoning off some time for things other than wedding planning. Instead of reading all the books I could about marriage or being a good wife, I took the advice of some wise folks and endeavored to be a student of my future husband so I could begin learning to be the wife he needs.
And in case I didn't mention it already, I'm grateful for our decision to sing to each other during our ceremony. The hours of rehearsal we put in during the months leading up to the wedding were some of the simplest, sweetest moments of our engagement. It was time during which no decisions needed to be made; we simply had the opportunity to look in each other’s eyes and enjoy music, something we both love.
(All photos © 2011 Kelly Sauer)
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